Why The Cullens Can't Babysit
by Duck Life
Summary: Stories about how each of the Cullens babysit Bella while Edward hunts. Please R&R!
1. Jasper

**BPOV**

I sighed. Edward was going hunting today, and Jasper was babysitting. He would catch me easier than Alice would if I tried to escape and see Jacob. I sighed again. Jasper looked up from the book he was reading. "Bella, stop it. You're making me depressed."

"As if you weren't already," I scoffed.

"I heard that," he said absently.

"I don't care," I replied. I had an idea.

**2 HOURS LATER**

**3rd Person POV**

Edward stepped into the Swan house and called, "Bella? I'm back!" He heard a scuffling from the corner and went to investigate. Jasper was curled up in a fetal position, whimpering.

"Why'd you have to leave her last year? That was some _major _depression." Jasper moaned. Edward groaned and hurried off to La Push.


	2. Emmett

I was walking at human speed through the forest. I was thirsty, but I couldn't find anything good. There were deer running around, and a couple of elk, but all the lions had left. Hunting was boring. I really wanted to be home with Bella, but I knew she was safe with Emmett. Though Emmett could get a little…odd, I trusted him. Bella was not getting near those werewolves! Suddenly, I smelled something. It was tangy, sweet and sour at the same time. I heard the lion pattering past me, invisible in the thick trees. I heard his heart pound and his blood run quickly. Delicious. I crouched, ready to spring, when my phone rang. The lion raced away. Cursing internally, I answered the phone. It was Emmett.

"DUDE!" he crowed. "It can _talk_!" I wondered idly what he was talking about.

"What?" I asked, bemused.

"The human! It was like, 'Emmett, this is boring. I want to go to La Push. I miss Edward'," he mimicked. I rolled my eyes in irritation. Emmett will be Emmett, but how could a _vampire _be so stupid sometimes?

"Emmett," I groaned, "Bella can talk. She's a human. Not. An. Inanimate. OBJECT!" There was silence on the other end. Then, Emmett sighed.

"Are you sure?" he asked stubbornly.

"Emmett, why wouldn't I know whether or not my girlfriend was capable of speech?" I moaned. I could almost hear him shrug.

"There's lots of stuff you don't know. Like, I bet you didn't know that she was sneaking out to La Push right now." I groaned again.

"Emmett! Why didn't you stop her?"

"How was I supposed to know that she would sneak out the window?" he defended. I grimaced.

"I know Bella, Emmett. If she snuck out the window, she's not in La Push. She's in the hospital."

"Oh, okay. I'll go check." He hung up. I scowled. I would have to get a new babysitter.


	3. Rosalie

I hurried home, hoping optimistically that Rosalie was a better sitter than Jasper or Emmett. I knocked on the door. Rosalie opened it a crack. "Oh, Hi Edward!" she said breathlessly, sticking her head out the door. "Um, Bella's watching TV." She spoke suddenly out of the corner of her mouth. "_Ha ha ha. Spongebob is so funny! Is Edward there?_" "Yeah, Bella, he's right here!" "_Tell him to go away!"_ Rosalie shook her head in exasperation. "She wants you to go away."

"Rosalie, that was you!"

"What was me?"  
"Th-that voice! You're trying to talk like Bella out of the corner of your mouth! I bet she's not even here!" I contradicted. Rosalie froze.

"Um…these are not the droids you're looking for!" She slammed the door in my face. I groaned. Reluctantly, she opened the door. "I was _going_ to catch her, but she distracted me with some super-pretty model and I got all jealous and self-conscious!" I frowned. Who was that?

"Show me," I muttered. Rosalie led me to Bella's room.

"See? She's standing right against that-wall…" she trailed off.

"ROSALIE!" I yelled. "THAT'S A MIRROR!!!"


	4. Carlisle

Carlisle sat at the kitchen table with Bella. "You're bored, Bella, and I'm bored," he complained. "Why did Edward want me to babysit, I am boring!" Bella huffed.

"He knows you're more responsible than Rosalie, Jasper, or Emmett. He doesn't want me to escape."

"Oh," said Carlisle. "Well…do you want to play 'Hospital'?" he asked. Bella shrugged.

"How do you play?"

"Oh, you just lie down on this table…"

**1 HOUR LATER**

"Bella!" called Edward. "I'm back!" He smelled her blood, and followed the scent. Bella was lying on the kitchen table, her stomach open. She seemed to be asleep. Carlisle was leaning over her with a scalpel. "W-what are you doing?" questioned Edward.

"Oh!" said Carlisle in surprise. "You're home. I'm doing some exploratory surgery to pass the time."

"ON BELLA?!" screeched Edward, running to her. She suddenly woke up.

"Wha- did…did the anesthetic stop working? Do I have a tumor?" she muttered sleepily. Edward sighed and began to help his father in stitching up Bella's open abdomen.


	5. Esme

Edward swung open the Swan's door. He had hunted quickly, settling for a couple of deer rather than search for something more appetizing. He did not want Bella to escape again. Edward walked through the house, searching for Bella. He listened, and he could hear her heartbeat, muffled, for some reason, and Esme's steady breathing. He kept walking until he found them in Bella's room. Bella was standing in the middle of the room, swathed tightly in bubble wrap. Her eyes were popping slightly.

"Mmphh mmm mm MMP!" she cried from behind the plastic. Edward hurried to her and ripped the packaging supplies off of her. She collapsed on him. "Edward…Esme…wrapped…safe…can't breathe…" she gasped as he rubbed her shoulder. Looking around, he saw a shocked Esme in the corner.

"WHY DID YOU WRAP HER IN PLASTIC???" he exploded. Esme cringed.

"I wanted her to be safe!" she declared defiantly. "Look at her, she's fine! She could have fallen and cut her head open or something. I wanted to make sure that she was perfectly safe," defended Esme. Edward groaned and held Bella up to look at her. Her eyes were still popping, and her forehead was faintly blue.

"I'm going to have to find _another _babysitter," he muttered.


	6. Alice

Alice sat at Bella's computer, critically examining an online catalogue of new fashions. "Alice?" said Bella as she lounged n her bed.

"Mmm?"Alice asked, distracted.

"Edward and I figured out that, because you've never eaten pistachios, you can't see them," said Bella quickly. Alice shrugged. "It's just that I'm going to go eat some pistachio ice cream, so I'll disappear. Nothing to worry about, you know. You'll hear if I choke or something. But that's why I'm disappearing, okay?" she continued.

"Yeah, yeah, okay," muttered Alice, not really listening. A new pair of boots had caught her eye. Bella jumped up and walked quietly out the door.

**1 ½ HOUR LATER**

Edward hopped lightly through the window in Bella's room. Alice was sitting on the computer. "Alice, where's Bella?" questioned Edward dangerously.

"Relax," said Alice, spinning around to look at him. "She's downstairs eating pistachio ice cream." Edward frowned.

"Bella's allergic to pistachios." Alice realized that she had been tricked.

"Don't say it, I'll go get her," said Alice jumping out the window. Edward groaned and collapsed on the bed. Six vampires lacked the ability to keep an eighteen-year old girl safe at home. What had the world come to?


	7. Jacob

Jacob sat across from Bella on the Swans' kitchen table. The two kept sharing odd glances, unsure as to who would speak first.

"Er," began Jacob, breaking the silence, "Wasn't the whole point of you being babysat to keep you _away _from me?" he asked confusedly. Bella shrugged.

"Well," she began methodically, "Look at what I've done so far." She began to count off on her fingers. "Jasper's in therapy, Emmett got stuck in my window, Rosalie had some sort of crisis when she realized that she couldn't recognize her own face, Carlisle lost his scalpel in my abdomen," (She patted her stomach gingerly) "Esme used up all her bubble wrap, and Alice accidentally bought the wrong pair of shoes. I'm causing Edward's family more problems than you are Edward, I guess." She smiled, and Jacob laughed. "Plus, Edward trusts me to stay home, so I guess he decided it was okay for _you _to be _here_," she concluded. They were silent for a moment.

"Do you want to-" began Jacob.

"Yeah," answered Bella quickly. "I'll go get my motorcycle."

**THE END**


End file.
